Surreal

I know prayer is a real thing, because here I am. A high school graduate. One thing I love about prayer is that it is often answered through the actions of other people. Here are just a few examples:

Jake Rees was an answer to a prayer when he said that not everyone gets their answer as fast as some, and that's ok. He also helped me increase English&Reading sections of the ACT by a combined 16 points, raising my overall score enough to get into the college of my dreams.

Susan Hoyt was an answer to so many prayers throughout high school- I honestly couldn't have done it without her. Because of her, I always knew I had someone to turn to. I can't say how much her support has strengthened and shaped me.

Pam Beckstrand was an answer to a prayer when she taught me I could learn so much and have so much fun at the at the same time. She also taught me that people are fascinating. I hope she knows how much that class impacted me- so much so, that I may end up majoring in social sciences.

Craig Smith was an answer to the prayers of every kid who walked into his room, and I'm no exception. He was also able to empathize with me when no one else understood how I felt- not many people have spinal fusions and come right back to school. But he did. And he helped me understand calculus and my worth, all in a class period every other day.

Matthew Bell was an answer to my prayers when he recommended me, landing me my first real job. He believed in me and convinced others to do so as well. He was the first one to help me fall in love with physics, and I still love it today. He also made me punch him in the face in front of the class, wearing boxing gloves, to demonstrate Newton's law of action and reaction. It was good for my then-timid character.

Miss Amy Rosen's constant smile and positivity answered many prayers, and taught me patience and love. I'll use what I learned in her class for the rest of my life.

Jim Smith taught me how to work, really work, until an end result is reached. He taught me that it can be fun, but only if we work hard first. He taught me that the process is grueling and long and so, so worth it. He taught me that recognition and praise must be earned. He was an answer to my earnest prayer by giving me a chance to truly shine when I needed the opportunity most.

Lori Christensen was an answer to a prayer of loneliness. I learned that having a teacher for a friend actually proves to be quite valuable. I hope to one day become like her.

Tom Erikson taught me that physics is in everything around me- and that it matters. He was an answer to many prayers in hard times when I just didn't get it. When I was on the brink of giving up. He was there in his room, always willing to help.

Mari Felix was an answer to a prayer, and a second mother at the school. She taught me to LOVE literature- books I had never even considered looking into are now some of my favorites. She has a compassion and a love for each student seen in few other classrooms. She also wrote the kindest letter of recommendation I have ever read, and trust me, it made a huge difference.

Rhonda Bromley was an answer to many prayers and made possible so many dreams. It's so obvious that she truly loves each and every student at Lone Peak. From the first day of sophomore year, I felt special in her eyes. Every school, every student, needs a principal like her.

All the seminary teachers were answers to prayers, whether I had them as teachers personally or not. They are so helpful and inspiring and really in tune to the needs of each student.

Jolynn Wright was a huge answer to a prayer because she believed in me. She saw in me potential and an ability to represent my school with pride. She put up with all my questions and didn't give up on me. She's an incredible teacher and an incredible woman.

Allison Terry was an answer to countless prayers, offered with tears in my eyes. Nearly every announcement of a lost classmate was made while I was in her class. She showed so much compassion and care for me in some of the hardest months of my life. She got me through driver's ed(and to understand the enormity of this feat, you must know that driving gives me SO much anxiety. Like, panic attacks and working-with-a-therapist anxiety.) She has changed my life.

Derek Farr was an answer to a commonly offered prayer, titled 'please get me through this class that looks like it'll be horrifically boring'. And he did just that. Every day in financial lit was a new adventure. And I loved it.

Megan Calvin was an answer to a prayer because, to be completely honest, I've never been a huge fan of history classes in the past. She took my expectations and turned them into one of my favorite classes at school. She's engaging, refreshing, funny, and so kind. She also helped me get over perfectionism- here's to my first ever C on a test. It did me a lot of good, both short-term and in the long run.

Kyle Nelson was an answer to a prayer I didn't know I had given yet. I didn't know I missed writing. I didn't know I needed to vent on a blog and I certainly didn't know that I would want to. He gave me a chance to show people who I am without all the pretenses and first impressions. He helped me find out what the raw, real me is like. And, most of all, he helped me to like it.

There are SO MANY other teachers at Lone Peak, and I honestly think I could say something about each and every one of them. I offered so many prayers throughout my high school career, and I know that there's a living and loving God because of all the ordinary miracles I've seen in the halls of Lone Peak High School. So, thank you teachers, thank you administrators, thank you staff, thank you students. Thank you friends. I hope we'll see each other again soon.

Graduation

Years upon years of stress, tears, laughter, and nostalgia has brought me here. Graduation.
In elementary school, I would cry if I had to stay home sick- because I was worried I wouldn't make it into BYU if I missed too many days.
In junior high, I worried that I was invisible and tried to figure out where I fit in.
In high school.... high school was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.
I know the vast majority of people are so excited to graduate, to get out of here.
But to me- high school meant freedom. High school meant finally having real friends. High school meant seminary and so much growth. High school meant newfound confidence and really coming out of my shell. High school meant finding my passions, experiencing ups and downs, dating, being crazy just for fun.
High school meant learning how to cope.
I've lost friends to suicide, family members to drug abuse. I've spent months upon months recovering from both physical and mental ailments. I've learned more about my capabilities than I ever imagined and have overcome more than I ever wanted. But exactly as much as I've needed.
He knows me. He hears me. He lives and loves me.
He knows you. He hears you. He lives and loves you.
Moving to a new phase of life is won't be easy, but that's ok. I've been through enough to know that I can do hard things.
Here's to graduation.

Dear Homework:

I know we've been dating for a solid twelve years now... but I'm just going to give it to you straight. I've been cheating on you. No, I don't mean literally cheating...  I earned those scores all by myself... but I've been seeing someone else. My pillow, mostly. And blanket.
I love you, homework. I really do. You've helped me so much throughout the years. But you've always wanted prescience over everything else in my life; and pillow and blanket don't ask for much commitment. I know you're so much more than your scores but that's all other people see, Homework. And I'm not going to pretend to ignore your ongoing flirtation with Grades, either. You insist that she doesn't matter to you- well how come you are almost inseperable these days? What happened to the time when she didn't need you to survive?
The thing is... I just don't really care about you anymore. I know that's really harsh of me to say.  But it's the truth. Homework- I really just don't care. You're so nagging. So needy. I mean, I can have other friends too, right? Theatre and Dance? You guys used to get along so well. Now you think you're the only one who matters.
This is me breaking up with you. Yes, we can still be friends- I still technically need you to graduate- but I'm done worrying about you. I'm a senior now. About to graduate.
And... I have a disease. I don't want to hurt you, so you have to leave me before it gets too serious. I'm suffering from senioritis. I don't know how much longer ican hold on. I promised myself I would never have to deal with this but it's the denial that makes it all worse. It kills the best of us.
Homework, you've mostly been good to me. I love you. But you have to let go. I know you'll find some fresh, eager, naive little student who will be strong enough for you- it's just not me. I'm sorry if this hurts you. It hurts me too.
Goodbye- and I wish you the best of luck.
-Korra

The cast joke

That's all I feel I am these days. Look, Tiffany tripped and it was funny. Look, Tiffany faceplanted again. It was hilarious.
But if you tell a joke too many times, it's not funny anymore.
It's not like I trip on purpose, not like I enjoy being the most clumsy person alive. I'm sorry I sprained my ankle at a school dance. No, not dancing- walking. I'm sorry it never healed, and I'm sorry I sprained it again onstage the day before the spring musical opened. Yes, know it's not funny anymore. I know.

The one time I get a lead role, a chance to show that I deserve it- this happens. I misstep in the dance number, almost blacking out at the agony. I get myself offstage at the earliest convenient opportunity. I spend most of the next hour and a half crying offstage in pain and frustration because I know I've ruined everything. For myself and everyone around me. Except for those times I have solos- I limped on to sing those, trying not to pass out, ever trying to prove that I deserve it, that I'm worth it. In vain.

The joke's over, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the show.
This is what happens when you have the nickname Biff.

Senior year in a nutshell

One guy told me I looked beautiful at prom
He wasn't my date

Next stop
Graduation
I mean, after the spring musical and the dance concert and AP tests and senior activities and tutoring and hopefully surviving and passing my classes and all that jazz

I napped for five hours yesterday
And still slept like a baby last night

I think I should wake up early tomorrow morning and actually look nice.
What? It's 7:15 already?
Well darn it. Leggings and a sweatshirt it is. Again.

I started crying when I realized how many friends I have to say goodbye to.

Decisions are hard.

I like it when my mom does my laundry.

Never have I ever

-been outside the country
-broken a normal bone (arm, leg, etc)
-had an older sister
-been in love
-ran away from home
- been tardy
-not cried at the end of Inside Out
-watched Lion King
-eaten sushi
-not been tired
-sluffed class
-dyed my hair
- accidentally laid in camel pee (oh wait, I've actually done that😂)

Sunrise, sunset

To the first grade crush:
I remember that we always played together at recess. We both scraped our elbows and knees a lot. It turned into a bit of a competition. Judging by the scars, I think I must have won.
To the second grade crush:
I remember when you found out I was moving you got me this big black teddy bear you stole from your sister. I don't know what happened to it.
To the third grade crush:
ah, Casper. Skipping third grade was actually quite fun together, don't you think?
To the fourth grade crush:
Your name is also the name of a state. I remember we played on the swings a lot. We played with the special needs class, which made me like you even more. We made up a game to see who could kick each other harder in the shins under the desk. I think we both lost. Also I was apparently a masochist.
To the fifth grade crush:
Ah the flirting that ensued. I really liked that you'd pretend to put your arm around me. Also, I liked that we held hands at that field trip during the movie. I didn't even remember that happened until just now.
To the sixth grade crush:
All I know is that you moved in and I liked you a whoooole lot. I heard people making fun of your name and I told them off. They gave me a funny look.
To the seventh grade crush:
We were set up by my best friend. Fun, awkward, nerdy, that's what we were. I guess you could say it was my first 'thing' because seventh grade plus relationships is like dividing by zero. I actually memorized Morse code for you. I don't remember it now.
To the eighth grade crush:
I see you in the halls every once in a while and you don't even say hi to me. Don't you remember that you used to walk me to class every day? Don't you remember that you gave me a huge hug in front of the science classroom door?
To the ninth grade crush:
Oh dear. This is when it started. And to be completely honest, it hasn't stopped. I sat in classes with you for years leading up to this moment without a second thought- and then BAM. One day, I got butterflies when I saw you. It doesn't help that you're a football player and I'm a nobody.
To the tenth grade crush:
Some guy told me you were gay. That made me really sad because I really liked you. You sat next to me in my drama class and when we watched Phantom, you sang along softly- oh, your voice. Then I found out you weren't gay. but you were a senior so I guess it was okay that you never noticed me. The ninth grade crush continued on.
To the eleventh grade crush:
We were dance partners, and that's exactly how it started. You liked a girl in Chamber choir and that's how I thought it would end, until summer started and all the sudden I was in my first relationship. It was all so new to me- kissing, holding hands, cuddling- that I didn't recognize the warning signs. Good thing the ninth grade crush continued on- neither guys actually asked me on a date, but at least one of them has opinions. And it's not the one who's on a mission now.
And finally-
To the senior year crush:
Oooooooh dear. This is a problem. The ninth grade crush continues on- I've realized that will probably still be a thing until I get married- but this other one is my issue. I'm a senior. Seventeen years old, wanting to date around but also partially wanting to be in a relationship just because hey, relationships are kinda fun. So when a 15-year-old comes along and sends my heart fluttering (AGAINST MY WILL, MIGHT I ADD), I am stuck. He won't be able to date until I'm in college. No. Bueno. NO BUENO. Eugh, that's so weird. But everything about him makes me wish he could have been born just a year or two later. I want to become as close of friends as possible, but seeing as I'm leaving in two short months, it's not fair to him that I feel this way. And I don't know what to do.
Anyways. ninth grade crush? you win the award for the longest-lasting. Basically you haven't yet done anything to thwart my affections towards you. Which is funny, because we have maybe spoken one word to each other in the last two years. But hi. How are you. I like you. You're really good at football and DAAAANG smart. Thanks for being the one constant in my life. ;)