Sunrise, sunset

To the first grade crush:
I remember that we always played together at recess. We both scraped our elbows and knees a lot. It turned into a bit of a competition. Judging by the scars, I think I must have won.
To the second grade crush:
I remember when you found out I was moving you got me this big black teddy bear you stole from your sister. I don't know what happened to it.
To the third grade crush:
ah, Casper. Skipping third grade was actually quite fun together, don't you think?
To the fourth grade crush:
Your name is also the name of a state. I remember we played on the swings a lot. We played with the special needs class, which made me like you even more. We made up a game to see who could kick each other harder in the shins under the desk. I think we both lost. Also I was apparently a masochist.
To the fifth grade crush:
Ah the flirting that ensued. I really liked that you'd pretend to put your arm around me. Also, I liked that we held hands at that field trip during the movie. I didn't even remember that happened until just now.
To the sixth grade crush:
All I know is that you moved in and I liked you a whoooole lot. I heard people making fun of your name and I told them off. They gave me a funny look.
To the seventh grade crush:
We were set up by my best friend. Fun, awkward, nerdy, that's what we were. I guess you could say it was my first 'thing' because seventh grade plus relationships is like dividing by zero. I actually memorized Morse code for you. I don't remember it now.
To the eighth grade crush:
I see you in the halls every once in a while and you don't even say hi to me. Don't you remember that you used to walk me to class every day? Don't you remember that you gave me a huge hug in front of the science classroom door?
To the ninth grade crush:
Oh dear. This is when it started. And to be completely honest, it hasn't stopped. I sat in classes with you for years leading up to this moment without a second thought- and then BAM. One day, I got butterflies when I saw you. It doesn't help that you're a football player and I'm a nobody.
To the tenth grade crush:
Some guy told me you were gay. That made me really sad because I really liked you. You sat next to me in my drama class and when we watched Phantom, you sang along softly- oh, your voice. Then I found out you weren't gay. but you were a senior so I guess it was okay that you never noticed me. The ninth grade crush continued on.
To the eleventh grade crush:
We were dance partners, and that's exactly how it started. You liked a girl in Chamber choir and that's how I thought it would end, until summer started and all the sudden I was in my first relationship. It was all so new to me- kissing, holding hands, cuddling- that I didn't recognize the warning signs. Good thing the ninth grade crush continued on- neither guys actually asked me on a date, but at least one of them has opinions. And it's not the one who's on a mission now.
And finally-
To the senior year crush:
Oooooooh dear. This is a problem. The ninth grade crush continues on- I've realized that will probably still be a thing until I get married- but this other one is my issue. I'm a senior. Seventeen years old, wanting to date around but also partially wanting to be in a relationship just because hey, relationships are kinda fun. So when a 15-year-old comes along and sends my heart fluttering (AGAINST MY WILL, MIGHT I ADD), I am stuck. He won't be able to date until I'm in college. No. Bueno. NO BUENO. Eugh, that's so weird. But everything about him makes me wish he could have been born just a year or two later. I want to become as close of friends as possible, but seeing as I'm leaving in two short months, it's not fair to him that I feel this way. And I don't know what to do.
Anyways. ninth grade crush? you win the award for the longest-lasting. Basically you haven't yet done anything to thwart my affections towards you. Which is funny, because we have maybe spoken one word to each other in the last two years. But hi. How are you. I like you. You're really good at football and DAAAANG smart. Thanks for being the one constant in my life. ;)

Just... thanks.

I need people in my life like Em Pew. Like Kayla Edgel, like Andrew Rice. Like Emily Paulson, like Russell Davis, like Kelsea Kocherhans, like Clara Richardson,  Bailey Frampton, Daxton Glover, Celeste VanValkenburg, Harrison Fuller, Karen MacKay, Amy Miller, Miriam Edwards, Kimble Mahler, Stephen Brailsford,  Matthew Peterson,  Andralee Allen, Hailey Bennett. Jason Gibbons.  Mom. Dad.

I often forget that no matter where I am, I have someone I can call when I'm struggling. Someone who will see my hands shaking and quickened breathing, and envelop me in their arms. Someone who takes me by the shoulders in the midst of a panic attack, don't freak out when I slap them on accident (sorry, Andrew) and tell me I'm safe. That I'm not alone. I have so many someone's I can turn to in every circumstance, through thick and thin. Someone's I can support and comfort as well, who trusts me with their fears and insecurities. I truly hope they know how much I love and appreciate them.

Sometimes I feel invisible. Ignored. Lonely. This occurs because anxiety tells me no one loves me- because who would. Because someone who doesn't have a body and who wants everyone to be as miserable as he is tries every tactic possible to convince me that people hate me, that I'm worthless.

And when I finally open my eyes, I see you. I see the people supporting me from every side, even though many are struggling to stand themselves. I don't thank you as much as I should. I don't express to you what it means to me nearly enough. I am literally alive today because of friends, whom I consider family, like you.

From the bottom of my heart, through every cell and molecule and atom in my body, thank you. And I love you more than it's possible to describe. Please, don't forget that. Thank you for your hope. For your smiles. For everything.

Computer Language

Ones and Zeros, Zeros and Ones.

She's a One.
Oh, is she a One.
Surrounded by all her skinny One friends and all her amazing One guys.
Us Zeros hear what the Ones do for fun... the day after.
That fancy dinner party? No, it was nothing.
Just a couple of Ones hanging out.
Totally casual, in an extra fancy-bring-a-date-and-dress-up kind of way.
Nah, I don't care.
Yes, continue to talk about how fun it was and who's invited to the next one.
Zeros don't have ears.
Zeros don't have hearts.
Zeros are just big fat black holes.
Zeros are literally nothing.
Ones, they get together and equal themselves.
While Zeros, us lonely Zeros better stay away because all we're ever good at is
ruining things.
negating things.
dragging Ones down to my level.

but Ones and Zeros are just Ones and Zeros, right?
Just two numbers.
That's all.

that's all.