In continuing from the last post....
Dear Taylor:
You don't kiss a girl and ignore her for 3 weeks.
I get it, there are things you don't have control over. I may not know exactly how you feel but I can certainly empathize. But at the same time, you are mad that I assumed the worst but how in the heck was I supposed to know the weight of the world is on your shoulders? All I know is that I liked you, you kissed me, and you stood me up when we were supposed to talk about it. And you've been been completely hostile since.
You said you felt that I was putting all the blame on you. Sorry. But why, WHY did I walk out of that conversation with all of it on my back? You would know this by now if you cared to look, but I'm not very good with words in person. I get flustered when I don't feel safe. I felt so attacked, Taylor. You were looking at me with such hatred and throwing out bullets so fast I couldn't get one word out.
And you made me care about you again. I spent the weekend alone, anxious and plain numb because of what you did to me. But you skipped right back, made me feel horrible about myself, and then made me feel bad for you. I let you hug me. The worst part is that I didn't want you to let go. How twisted is that.
I'm spiraling, Taylor. I've gone deep before but never this deep. I haven't gone a day in a full two weeks without crying. I can't even take a nap without thinking about all the things I should have said. I literally had a panic attack in class today just because you were there and I'm am idiot because I still feel like I need to impress you. I get it, I'm only 18 and I have so much time to find the one. But that's not what third is about. I just want to feel sufficient. I just want to feel loved.
Now before you run off, let me explain that you're not all that special. It's not all about you. It's about how not one guy has ever treated me well. Yes, my dad has, but you know what I man. Every time I tell myself 'he would never hurt me like that' and "This time he's different' but somehow I'm the easiest to manipulate, to use. And I want to know why.
You used me. You manipulated me. You ignored me (yes, I know, I get it. Your circumstances. But stop for just a second and try to think of mine.) But guy#1 did all those things too. Same goes for #2, #3, all of them. After following the trend, the only logical thing is that something about me is completely repellant.
So I get it. I'm sorry. I get that you don't have complete control over what's stopping you from reaching out.
But I don't have complete control over what's literally crushing me either.
Maybe one day we'll be friends. Maybe I won't panic when I see you anymore. Maybe you'll learn how to treat women and maybe, someday, I'll be treated like I matter.
I hope the kiss was all you had hoped for. I hope it was worth it to you.
Because so far that kiss has completely unhinged me.
-Tiff
