my first time

Making out.
gah I hate those two words when put together.
Like, I was going to put that as my title, but then I couldn't bear the thought of titling a blog post making out.
It's disgusting. I feel like such a horrible person. But I shouldn't, right? It's not a sin, right? Nothing inappropriate happened, right?
I didn't even reciprocate that part of it, right? I wasn't the one doing the moving, that was all you dude. he must think I'm literally the worst, I just kinda sat there. I just kinda sat there and let it happen.
Maybe it's just because that is definitely not what I expected to happen.
Maybe it's just because it's been a loooong time since I've really kissed someone.
Maybe it's just because it caught me way off guard that a guy who I had a huge crush on actually went for it.
Maybe it freaked me out that the first one wasn't soft and hesitant like I thought it was going to be.
Maybe my anxiety is just too much.
Maybe it's just because he never actually said that he liked me.

he never said that he liked me.

am I just some relief or fix because he needed to kiss someone, ANYONE? Because if that's the case buddy, I'm sure there are plenty of girls on campus who actually know how to kiss and are more than willing to be your toy.
I just can't fathom the dismal amount of respect he must have for me, to have just gone for it so fast like that. It's like Harrison all over again. I even told him when we were talking about relationships that I'd much rather have someone ask me if they could kiss me than having them just do it. And yet... here we are. Launched at my face.

I should be over the moon, right?
I've been wanting to kiss a guy for the past few months now. I've wanted a guy in my life, cried that I didn't have one.
I totally like him. Liked him? I don't know. I think I still like him. I'm just confused. And a horrible kisser.
But isn't this exactly what I wanted?
What I may or may not have prayed for? (Thanks for giving me exactly what I wanted... now dial it back a little???) My own fault.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm just so curious to see what he does now.
because I just know that he won't talk to me anymore. He won't want to get to know me or pursue anything or want to do fun coupley things like dancing in the rain or going on a picnic, stuff that doesn't include kissing. He won't want to learn how to help me through panic attacks and he won't let me get to know him. He'll either want to stay friends with benefits (NO SIR THAT WILL NOT FLY), or pretend like nothing happened at all. because that's just what happens with me.

but something that isn't confusing to me is that I love talking to him and how much he makes me laugh.
something that doesn't confuse me is that I love his smile, his sarcastic quips, his little quirks, his exclamations.
something that doesn't confuse me is the way he hugged me when dropping me off, that he sheepishly waved and said 'We'll figure this all out, I promise' and then shut the door.

something I do know is that when he's not confusing me,
I really do like him.

Welcome to BYU!

Hi, I'm Tiffany, your RA for this term. RA stands for Resident Assistant- but you can think of me as a cheerleader, a friend, a big sister, a resource, and a support to you in the next coming months. Let's not talk about the fact I'm only barely 18, younger than half of you here. Instead let's focus on how I can help YOU succeed.
BYU Police has a really cool program called Safe Walk- if it's dark outside and you don't want to get assaulted (yes, safest campus out there, crap still happens): simply call 801-422-2222 and they'll escort you wherever you need to go on campus. Let's not talk about the fact I've never used it myself.
BYU offers its students free counseling services- which I highly recommend. Remember, your health is more important than anything else. Let's not talk about how I had the biggest panic attack tonight- I'm an RA, therefore I am stable and never show my anxiety. Let's not talk about how self conscious I feel about my weight and size- you all look so beautiful the way you are.
This is how to get along with your roommates- let's not talk about how I'm the worst example of knowing how to openly communicate.
Now, I know it can be intimidating to be surrounded by RM's and such. Remember, college is a time to let yourself have fun! Let's not talk about how I shut down the first possible relationship possibility that happened here. But learn how too be clear when you set your boundaries. Let's not talk about how he may think I'm interested.
Let's not talk about how completely unqualified I am to hold authority over you guys. I went to training, played the fun little getting to know you games.
How about let's just not talk at all.
Welcome to the #1 ranked stone cold sober school for years now. Have fun- but not too much fun!