um, wut

I always wanted to go into sports medicine. No, before that I wanted to be a nurse. And then after that I was like 'hmmm, maybe sports psychology?' But that would mean I'd have to get a doctorate. no thanks. But that has still been my plan. For years.
'What do you want to go into?'
"Sports psychology."
until.
Until Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
I'm a narrator.
One of six, actually.
Yeah, I know, right?
Anyways, we've been working with the children's choir.
and
oh
my
gosh.
I love working with kids.
I don't even know what it is.
I've been in Peer Tutor for six years now and it's very similar.
I just love teaching. Tutoring.
The more I think about it, the more I love it.
Teaching fourth graders dance or music or theatre?
Bliss.
pure bliss.
so now I have no flipping idea what I'm doing in the future.
eh whatever.
I'll figure it out.

I dislike the crowded hallway

Pain demands to be felt. Experienced. Tasted. Relished. Hated. It demands all attention.
I'm generally a pretty happy person... I mean, if anything, I'm optimistic. Which means even when I'm not happy, I can turn it around pretty fast.  I'm kind and a good listener. Not too bossy, but not to quiet either. I stand up for myself when I need to.
So why do I seem to push away all those I love, those I want to get to know?
Why am I still a face to look past in the hall instead of at?
Why do I have to hear all the details about these awesome dates and parties and spontaneous hang outs after the fact? (HUGE PET PEEVE, BTW... MIGHT AS WELL SEND ME AN INVITATION SAYING DON'T COME CAUSE YOU'RE NOT INVITED SO I AT LEAST KNOW WHERE WE STAND)
Why do I attract people who remind me more of brothers than significant others,
But seem attracted to only those who see me as a little girl (if they see me at all)?
Why are the chemicals in my brain so set on me being either miserable, anxious, or exhausted?
This sounds and feels so childish...
But why don't people want to be my friend.
Yes, I know I have friends.
But how many have called me in tears, just needing to talk? Because I'm the one they need to talk to to feel better?
How many actually notice when I'm sitting alone in class, or on the verge of tears in the hall, and just give me a hug and talk to me?
How many invite me to things or even wonder where I am when surrounded by all OUR best friends without me?
I know. Me, me, me. I I I. So selfish.  I'm sorry guys. It's been that kind of decade.

Why hello, nice to meet you Mr. Future. I'm Tiffany.

I made it into BYU.
I'M GOING TO BYU.
I don't know how to feel.
I've wanted this for my entire life.
But the future is staring me in the face.
It's scary.
But I did it.
I made it into the school of my dreams.
BYU. Here I come.

I'm going deaf. I'm going deaf. I'm going deaf.
My husband will have to learn sign language, just in case.
I'm going deaf. I'm going deaf.
I always need help because I can't even hear my cues to go onstage.
I'm going deaf. I'm going deaf.
My kids could possibly probably end up the same as me.
I'm going deaf. I'm going deaf. I'm going deaf.
And I'm scared. 

I never write about love.

I don't have "experience". I have never truly loved someone, outside my family and my best friends. Never romantic love. Which is kinda sad, but also from the way everyone talks about it, it sounds pretty horrible. Sorry to say.
I've never had my heart broken.
I almost wish I had though.
My one experience with a relationship was equal to me giving everything.
EVERYTHING.
And getting next to nothing in return.
"What do you want to do?" -me
"I don't care." -him
"Whatever you want" -him
"idk" -him.
But the quintessential moment, the first kiss given under a waterfall, wasn't that worth it?
Well, yes. Because now I have the story.
But did we have chemistry?
Did I spend all night on the phone with him, talking about the meaning of life?
Did he surprise me with cute things?
Did all my dreams come true?
no.
I mean, come on. We dated for like a month.
and it seems like a whole lot of relationships end up the same way for a lot of people.

I have so much love and trust to give, but I've learned that I tend to overcompensate. I often feel like I'm not giving enough, ever, even when I'm giving way to much for a lost cause.
And that's not okay.
So I kinda gave up. No, not gave up, I still want to date around and experience everything I can
but I've learned that if it's not working
it doesn't have to be my fault
and I most definitely don't have to fix it.
For the first time in a while,
I don't feel like I HAVE to have a crush on someone.
I can just... be.

Because I know someday in the future,
I'll meet someone that will trip when he sees me for the first time (because honestly that's just too cute)
And he'll walk right up to me
and say 'You and me, we're watching *insert movie title here* at *insert time here*. And yes, I am asking you on a date.'
And all I'll have to do is nod, probably blush, and say 'okay.'
Someone who I can TALK to.
About everything.
Someone who will feel like he can TALK to me.
Someone who will take one look at me and pull me into a bear hug, and will stay there until after my tears subside.
Someone who is adorable with little kids
and who treats his own mother like a queen (and that's how I'll know he'll treat me like one too).
Someone who knows he doesn't understand what it's like to have anxiety but
does know to stay by my side and hold me until the attack ends. And wants to.
Someone who is weird, like me, but not weirder than me (That's a delicate balance, my friends- I'm already technically weird enough for all of us.)
Someone who scratches my back and plays with my hair, and then who gives up after a half hour and says 'OKAY IT'S MY TURN!'
Someone who looks at me when I walk in the room with an awed expression, and tells me I'm beautiful.
Someone who will get down on one knee and pour out his heart and promise to love me for eternity.
It'll come, someday.

And because I know it's coming, I'm okay with celebrating Single's Awareness day for now.

I see you! (Peekaboo?)

I was at the school last night at ten pm. Woot drama. Anyways, being in the hall, completely empty hall, it was really cool. Always is. It has a magic to it. A mystery. Being the only one in the darkened hallway made me feel important somehow. Which is funny because you'd think it would feel lonely. No. I feel lonely when the halls are packed with people. This school has so. Many. People. I have to put on my happy face, because people like happy people. But when it was just me... I could smile for real. My goofy smile. I literally twirled down the hall in bare feet and leggings because why not. The point?
I know how easy it is to feel like no one cares, like you have to put on a face. I know how much it hurts to see those people who walk down the hall holding hands, even as much as it makes me snicker on the outside. I know the feeling of searching the crowd before school and the feeling of seeing people laugh so naturally. The feeling when people come up to the person right next to you, smiling, hugging.
But I also know how many people do know those feelings too.
In a school as big as this one, it's pretty easy to be lost. But there are people to go to, people to meet, who know something close to how you feel. People who will look at you and smile and see YOU, not your pen name, not your problems, YOU.
But you can only find them if you keep your eyes open. If you keep your chin up. If you continue to look forward.
I hope to be the kind of person people feel like they can approach with a problem, call in the middle of the night to talk to.
Because when I look at you, I don't see struggleswithanxiety or kissedtenguysbeforeshewassixteen or getsbulliedeveryday. I see you.
I'm going to stop before this gets cheesy.
Anyways, I love you guys.
Call me. If you want.
And if you ever get the chance,
Dance in the empty hallways of the school. It's worth it.