Turning 18

For my birthday,

I want to be six again.
I want to spend time with my friends.
I want to finally be taken seriously.
I want a boy to hug me for a long time, and tell me it's ok that I cry a lot and that doesn't make me weak, it's because I'm strong. And I want him to kiss me (even if it's just my cheek or forehead). And I want him to look me in the eye and tell me I'm beautiful. I want a boy to ask me on a date without me telling him he should. I want a boy to want to talk to me, even after the date is over. I want a boy to talk to talk to me because he wants to. I want a boy for my birthday.
I want Costco muffins. Blueberry and/or poppyseed.
I want to go swimming.
But before we can go swimming, I want to exercise and eat healthy so I won't feel ashamed to go swimming. So maybe I don't want to go swimming because I don't have time to work out and don't have the money to eat healthy.
I want my family. Especially Jason.
I want you.
I want to be silly and stay up late and eat candy and watch a movie and sing karaoke.
I want to sleep.
I want to double date with my best friend.
I want to dress up like a princess.
I want to wear sweats all day.
I want a puppy.
I want Krispy Kreme.
I want to be spontaneous.
I want a plan.
I can't get everything I want.
That's ok.
As long as I have you.
And Costco muffins.

YOLO is DEAD-O

You know those people that get to college and cry themselves to sleep every night because the adjustment is so big?
You know those people who text or call their mother, begging her to take them home because they just can't deal anymore?
You know those people that get distracted while writing blog posts about college by all the pictures on their walls, staring at them wistfully and wishing they could go back?
I SWORE I would never be that person.
I figured, yeah I have anxiety, but it's manageable. I've learned so many ways to cope.
I'm also very mature for my age. I've been through a lot and have come out way stronger because of it.
I DO NOT understand why I'm having such a hard time here.
I'm lonely, which I know 'everyone's lonely and noone has friends this fast' but that's crap. All my roommates have friends and I watch people make new friends every day in front of my eyes.
I know, 'You just need to join clubs, get yourself out there' but if it was that easy I'd have friends rn and I just... don't. I get along with my roommates but it's not like I can talk to them about... well, the things I blog about, I guess. I can't get together with them and hike the Y just because.
And a dating life?
yeah I wish.
nonexistent. completely absent.
There are plenty of cute guys here but they keep getting distracted by all the bodacious blondes with white teeth and already know their major, minor, and how many kids they want. They're not interested in the 17-year-old who wants nothing more than to fit in here.
My roommates invite people over every night (through morning... errrrrrrg). They all get along so well with their friends but you know what happened when I even said hi? Stares. Utter silence. Nothing.
I don't think I've ever cried this hard and this often in my life. I gave that up in second grade but apparently my sensitive side is coming back to haunt me.
I feel weak. I feel trapped. I feel numb.
My google searches have come up with the same suggestions for how to make friends... but none of them work if you're apparently not even a fun person to be around.
I love the school. I love the atmosphere. But I hate crying so much and I hate hiding in a corner of campus to stop getting laughed at for my age or just for being me. I hate that my real friends live a half hour away and I hate that I have to be an adult and worry about finances and groceries and inter/intrapersonal relationships and I hate that I'm not still in high school.
I wish people could get past my age, or my face, or my tears, or my shortcomings. I respect that it takes a lot of effort, and I don't ask much. At least... try to get to know me? Please?

Anyone?