Do you ever forget to breathe?

I do.

Not exact exactly rhetorical

How am I going to tell my kids they can't get that toy because mommy's medical bills cost too much?

How am I going to tell my husband that if he wants to be able to talk to me in the future, he better learn ASL just in case?

How am I going to raise kids in this terrifying world, convince them that it's not me that's the bad guy?

How am I going to explain to my husband why I was breathing so hard and crying for no reason?

How am I going to be able to tell my kids it'll be okay?

How am I going to tell my future husband that our kids might be just like me?

Can I just freeze time?

Hi

You know those conversations you rehearse in your head for years? Just waiting to see the person who hurt you, way back when, and tell them everything you've accomplished since then. Tell them just how okay you are now, no, better than okay. Tell them that, despite their best efforts, you rose. You won.
And then the time comes. You actually see this person.
And you freeze.
You forget everything.
All you can do is smile with surprised eyes and comment on how long it's been. And the moment is gone. Your chance is gone.

I haven't seen my gymnastics coach in four years, and it's felt like an eternity. And here I was this morning, face to face with her on a temple trip.
Did you know I had back surgery? I wanted to scream at her. Did you know I suffer from ptsd and anxiety because of everything you put me through?
And yet.... I smiled. I gave her a hug. Told her life is so good and I missed her so much.
Maybe someday she'll know. Maybe someday, I'll be brave. But for now.... I'm doing great, Jana. I'm so glad I got to see you again. You didn't leave any scars.

I remember....

I remember when the scariest thing in the world was nightmares.

I remember when Christmas morning turned into Christmas afternoon as we waited for my brother to wake up.

I remember what it feels like to be liked by a boy. It was nice.

I remember when hurricane Katrina hit and my dad was sent to help with relief efforts. I didn't understand why he had to go.

I remember when I slept over at the gym with my team. It turned into an all-out war between me and the new girl over who was really wanted there. I lost.

I remember my first time behind the wheel of a car. I remember my first panic attack. I remember how those happened on the same day, at the same time.

I remember my first time on the top of a mountain. The crisp air breathed new life into my lungs and suddenly my life had meaning. Suddenly everything I struggled with was worth it.

I remember every time on top of a mountain, on top of the world, since then. I wish I had more time to spend up there.

I remember my friend wearing mascara to school for the first time. I don't know why it bothered me so much.

I remember seeing my crush walking out of the school and me walking in and me blushing and wanting to say so much more than 'hi'. I'm sorry I didn't.

I remember my eyes being blurry, the pinch of an IV in my arm, and my mom telling me the surgery went well.

I remember when I actually ate breakfast in the morning.

I remember every second of getting my ears pierced. But I'm fuzzy about the details of my baptism.

I remember telling my dad I needed to lose weight. I was six.

I remember wearing a neon monstrosity of a coat every day during the winter, years ago.

I remember the taste of homemade mac n cheese and trying not to laugh during the prayer.

Soon, all high school will be is a memory.

I hope I'll want to remember it.

Grey Elephants eat soup: Combover Mike

Combover_Mike wrote this song in his post  called I swallow Soup for breakfast. Shout out to Tanner Horan (The real author)--- he's amazing and hilarious and freaking talented. This was probably the most fun/funny thing I've ever done in my life.
Also can you tell that I don't actually play the piano? k. good.

An Original Song
by Combover mike

I get on with life as a Scuba diver,
I'm a Sexy kinda person.
I like Bird watching on Sundays,
I like Dove shoving in the week.
I like to contemplate Soup .
But when I start to daydream,
My mind turns straight to Salmon.

Shala la la la la la!

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,
I notice the way I think about Salmon with a smile,
Curved lips I just can't disguise.
But I think it's Soup making my life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?
Soup or...
Salmon?I like to use words like 'Neato,'
I like to use words like 'Sparky.'
I like to use words about Soup .
But when I stop my talking,
My mind turns straight to Salmon.

Shala la la la la la!

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,
I notice the way I think about Salmon with a smile,
Curved lips I just can't disguise.
But I think it's Soup making my life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?
Soup or...
Salmon?I like to hang out with Rick ,
I like to kick back with Mike,
But when left alone,
My mind turns straight to Salmon.

Shala la la la la la!

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,
I notice the way I think about Salmon with a smile,
Curved lips I just can't disguise.
But I think it's Soup making my life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?
Soup or...
Salmon?

The girl I knew

She was brave. She was daring. She was strong.
Her plan in life seemed so simple.
Do the gymnastics.
Do it right.
Win a medal.
Compete in college on scholarship.
She was so good, too. That's what kills me.
She kept winning.
She still has the medals.
She still holds the state titles in her heart, somewhere.

The girl that I knew didn't see the problems.
She didn't think anything of it when her coach told her to work out at home
because she was heavier than everyone else.
She thought it was normal to need knee braces, ankle braces
to walk normally at school
She popped more pain pills than an addict
because being hurt is no excuse for not practicing

The girl that I knew didn't know how to quit
until a doctor had to tell her her back was broken,
that if she didn't stop
she could end up paralyzed, ruined for her whole life.
The girl that I knew stayed strong that day for her family
but fell apart every night.
That girl had to wrap a back brace around her middle
every day
and tried to ignore the looks in the halls at school.
She visited her family teammates after the doctor made her quit
they acted sad for about five seconds-
but she wasn't the first whose body gave up
and they forgot about her within a week.
After eight years...
one week.

The girl that I knew tried to fight the pain, tried to ignore it
but when the MRI showed that her spine never healed,
that part of her vertebrae was worn down to nothing
She had to admit something still had to be done.
And when a doctor literally told her he sees this problem in old people all the time,
there's nothing that can be done
that she finally found a doctor who could fix it, but
that the only option was surgery
she had no way out.
a full year of recovery.
a full year of depending on others for everything
and no running, no dancing, no jumping, no sitting for long periods of time.
That year changed her.
For the better, I'm sure, but her life will never be simple again.

The girl that I knew was happy. The girl that I knew was naiive, but happy.
That girl is gone.
And I am left in her place.
Two rods, four screws in my spine,
plagued by anxiety, perfectionism and PTSD
from the sport I love hate loved.
I'm stronger now, different now,
but I still daydream about doing my routines again
and I wonder if my own little girls will want to do gymnastics
and I wonder if I'll let them

Whiteout

I blacked out once in a choir concert. I almost hit my head on the piano. Sometimes I just sit and remember that feeling. It scared a lot of people, including me. Ever since then every time I stand in front of people, for a split second I think I'm going to black out again. Which is hard, because I stand in front of people a whole lot of the time. Sometimes I perform in front of hundreds. Thousands. Because I sold my soul to theater.
why the freak did I do that.
I blacked out once in a choir concert. I almost hit my head on the piano. Sometimes I just sit and remember that feeling. It scared a lot of people, including me. Ever since then every time I stand in front of people, for a split second I think I'm going to black out again. Which is hard, because I stand in front of people a whole lot of the time. Sometimes I perform in front of hundreds. Thousands. Because I sold my soul to theater.
why the freak did I do that.


I went on a date today. We saw a movie- don't get me wrong, I like movies, but not on dates. We bought a whole bunch of candy and snuck it into the theater in my boots (You know how fun that is! ). I was not totally there though, because I haven't slept in like three days. I should probably do that.
I went on a date today. We saw a movie- don't get me wrong, I like movies, but not on dates. We bought a whole bunch of candy and snuck it into the theater in my boots (You- know how fun that is! ). I was not totally there though, because I haven't slept in like three days. I should probably do that.


Once upon a time, there was a really shy girl who didn't know how to be mean. She didn't hate anyone and was very patient with people who treated her unfairly. She was self-conscious, and worried that no one liked the sound of her voice. She didn't know about the real world, all because she lived in Utah and loved her church too.
Once upon a time, there was a really shy girl who didn't know how to be mean. She didn't hate anyone and was very patient with people who treated her unfairly. She was self-conscious, and worried that no one liked the sound of her voice. She didn't know about the real world, all because she lived in Utah and loved her church too.

I don't even really know me, so I don't expect you to.

If you really knew me
you'd know the first time I used the back of a page in my journal was to write this.
If you really knew me
you'd know that I hold on too tight
that I'm not afraid of the dark but
I still sprint up the basement stairs.
That I wear big sweatshirts
and no, I'm not depressed...
well maybe I am sometimes, but I just like to wear huge sweatshirts
If you really knew me
you'd know my hair is incredibly soft
and yes, please stroke it, play with it, no it's not weird I promise
if you really knew me 
you'd know I'm a theater kid through and through
but I do have personal space
and I'm at least semi-normal
and have yet to be a lead in a show.
If you really knew me
you'd know I'm sick of people thinking
I'm too young or innocent or kind
This summer, a director didn't cast me as Belle in Beauty and the Beast
because I wasn't mean enough.
not mean enough to play a Disney princess..... ouch.

Hi, I'm Tiffany. Part of my brain is still named Korra.
I'm 5'4 and a half, but every nurse that measures my height tells me a smaller number.
I won't tell you my weight,
but know that it's average, despite the world telling me the number is too big.

If you really knew me, 
you'd know my hearing loss is only a disability
to the people I'm begging to pay for my college tuition.
If you really knew me
you'd know I'm waiting for my chance to show who I am
but that I'm not patient.
If you really knew me,
you'd know I have old lady hands, dry and shaky
and yes, I did try lotion. Thank you for the suggestion.
If you really knew me,
You'd know I blush a whole heck of a lot.
Actually, you know this even if you don't really know me.
Yep. I'm aware that my face is the precise shade of a tomato.
It's not exactly under my control.
If you really knew me
You'd know my eyes look brown from far away
but but if you look close, you'll see they're full of green and have flecks of gold.
If you really knew me
you'd know that if I wasn't so worried about being sensible
I'd be a zoo veterinarian
I'd dye my hair black
I'd wear bright red lipstick every day
if you really knew me
you'd know that I'm anxious
and I physically can't let a cut heal without pulling the scab off
and I've had my license for a full year now
and have used it maybe twice
and had a panic attack both times
but that I'm hopeful.
If you really knew me
you'd know I love getting asked on dates
but I don't mind being the one to ask if I have to
If you really knew me
you'd know I'm the bishop's daughter
but as long as you like football or Monty Python,
you two will get along just fine.
If you really knew me
you'd know I hate talking about myself
but when I start it's hard to stop
because there's a whole lot to tell.
My personality takes some explaining.
And if you really knew me,
I guess you'd know that.

That would be nice.