how to write poetry good.

Poetry used to be whatever it wanted to be.
it used to be whatever you felt.
it used to be what your heart went down your arm and controlled the pen to be.

and then came the day when the English teacher with too much makeup and too-cheerful disposition told you that this poem has ten syllables
and this one rhymes in this pattern
and this one is this many lines long
and this one is written by a robot
and this one has no feeling
and this one, here in the corner, this free-verse... doesn't matter.
Isn't worth it.
too messy, too unorganized and too immature.

all the sudden,
writing didn't help speak your mind.
all the sudden, that problem your dealing with
has too many syllables.

roses are red, violets are actually purple, and poetry became a score in skyward.

not anymore.
thanks, Nelson. For reminding us when poetry
was whatever it wanted to be.

Dear ACT...

What right do you have to determine my future???
I'm pretty dang smart, thank-you-very-much and you don't get to tell me I have no potential.
And so help me if I get rejected from the school of my dreams just because of you...
You. Will. Pay.
(me back all my money cause I've paid like fifty bucks each of the five times I've tried taking you.)
 

I'm not ready.

Life is a gigantic puzzle.
Each piece snaps into place as we learn and grow.
The pieces that don't fit get tossed away and the correct piece is searched for.

That guy wasn't the one for you? Toss the piece away. There will be a piece to fit perfectly.
Got injured, can't play that sport ever again? Toss the piece away. There will be joy to be found.
Rejected from that college? Toss the piece away. Some other college will be destined just for you.

but.

sometimes we hold on to the pieces too tightly. 

sometimes we physically can't let go.

sometimes we can't just toss the piece away.

sometimes we fear losing those pieces so much it cripples us.

What's my greatest fear?

Failure.

Losing control.

Not living up to expectations.

Losing pieces of myself

to the box of could-have-been's.

And I'm not ready to grow up.
I'm not ready for life.

Hey, um, can someone teach me how to feel? My heart must have gone on vacation or something.

My body aches

my chest heaves but no sound, no soul can escape my lips

they're clamped too tightly together

in fear that even one crack left exposed

would leak a noxious, deadly substance; fatal grief and remorse

poisoning every living, happy thing in a ten mile radius.

My eyes blankly stare

as I try to feel,

plead my body for some response

but everything seems shut down

the shutters are closed, windows barred, lights off.

They ask how I am dealing with things.

Somehow the muscles of my face are so attuned to this farce

that they can pull into a hopeful smile on demand

only to drop like puppet strings cut halfway through the act

as soon as the interrogation is over and done.

My eyes betray me in the night

bone-dry in the only setting they're allowed to feel

the only time I allow myself to feel

I physically can't.

I'm too accustomed to acting, lying, smiling

unfeeling

numb

that when the only thing in the world I want to do

IS LAY IN MY BED AND SOB...

i can't.

the tears won't come anymore.

not until I'm surrounded by people,

buzzing with tedious life and work and drama and blah

at the worst possible moment

two small waterfalls begin.

You know I love waterfalls

but only in seclusion.

But it seems the time for convenient, satisfying, fulfilling waterfalls

is over.

just as the sun sets, 

just as a plane flies halfway around the world, 

just as dreams of waterfalls turn into dreams of taking the final leap,

just as dreams and hopes and chances and moments disappear all to quickly

waterfalls are for dreams

and tears will stay hidden

and hope will remain 

(but only if I can muster the strength for it).

These are the reasons

The chilly air seems to freeze in my lungs but all I notice is the 360 view of the entire valley

and these are the reasons

The little boy giggles, paint covering his chubby hand and face. I stifle a laugh myself and see the mother looking almost as pleased as her son

and these are the reasons

I walk home with him and conversation flows as naturally as the air that fills my lungs

and these are the reasons

My family sits together for the first time in so long in our pew, trying and failing to stifle our laughter as we shoot each other looks because we all hear that woman singing at the top of her lungs

and these are the reasons

I feel a hand pulling me out of my sadness, my self-pity, with a welcoming smile on their face

and these are the reasons

I sigh and bend to pick up my pencil and bump my nose into it because they got to it first

and these are the reasons

His smile lights up the entire room and suddenly my life doesn't seem to suck so much

and this is why

I am alive.

Multiple subjects= brain vomit

Do I like you because I think you like me?
Or do I like you because I really do like you?
(Update... it was because I thought you liked me. I'm sorry. I just can't think of you that way.)

I look into their eyes
and I think (and hope) they're made of broken mirrors
because somehow I feel uglier.

Why am I disintegrating into a pile of dust
like too-old bricks
under too much strain?



Dear you: (or should I say Dear John?)
yes, you. you know who you are. I can never thank you so much for everything you did for me this summer. I had been so down on myself and so stressed and worried no one would ever like me... and you came along. That being said... I hate being thought of as 'taken' and 'your girl'. You've got other things to focus on and so do I. The last thing you need right now as you enter the mission field is me distracting you. I keep having flashbacks of the times we had together and it was amazing. truly. but I don't want them anymore. I want to date other guys without feeling guilty and still attached to you. Thinking about you makes me sad because I miss you so much. I have too many things going on that make me sad besides you. I don't want to be sad anymore. I hope you understand. I still think you're the best. I still support you. But I'm done thinking about 'us'. I want to move on because being stuck in this dark, sad place is bad for me. I'm sorry. Thank you for the hike to the waterfall and all the memories that came afterwards. I still want to see you when you get home... as a friend.

I'm still praying for you- you're going to be such a great missionary.

-me

Aww Yeah.

I like studio c too much.

I can't think of a clever title.

I don't know how it's possible to sit alone at a crowded table

but I do it every day.

I'd rather sit alone on the floor against a brick wall

and eat my lunch in solitude 

because being alone is better than being ignored.

...I think...

okay... what just happened???

I looked into your eyes a millisecond too long.

Oh my gosh, they're so brown. So, so, so, so brown. Deeeeeep brown.

I got swallowed by them before I could even cry for help.

I probably would have stared longer than two milliseconds, if I wasn't trying to suppress the hysterical giggle trying to escape my lips.

You know how sometimes you feel your stomach fill with butterflies?

mine doesn't do that. It flips inside out.

And it did just that

when I looked into your eyes a millisecond too long.

Did your stomach flip inside out too?

I mean, mine aren't sooooooo brown... they're just... brown... hazel, maybe... green-ish sometimes...

And I could be wrong

but did you look into my eyes for two milliseconds too long?

wow. your eyes are... so brown. so deep. so friendly. so kind. so... familiar.

...........

*ahem*

Sorry, could I borrow a pencil for a sec? Thanks, man :)

homesick for heaven

LaLuna's post hit the spot. Everything I feel and more is here.
but here's my take.


Have you ever felt homesick? Not like summer camp is a drag I want to go home homesick but like I miss heaven homesick? I know I'm not alone so I don't need to feel this way. But I do. All the time.

I just want to go Home. Real home. I want to cradle into His arms and cry. I want to be done because this life has been SO HARD and I've only been on earth for 17 years. What happens when there's responsibility on top of the fact my body is determined to rebel against me in every way possible? I don't want to grow up and be in charge of things. I don't want to raise a child, afraid every day that I'm doing something wrong and that he'll end up like my oldest brother, a drug addict with no control over his life and no desire to change. Because my parents are amazing and he still ended up like that. I don't want to get a job or graduate. I don't even want to try to look in someone- anyone's- eyes tomorrow morning because I know they'll just look away, just like always.

I have dreams about dying in car accidents or in fires or from cancer that aren't nightmares. They're happy. Because I finally get to go Home. I could never commit suicide because I don't have the courage to, and I would never do that to my family, my friends. I know the hurt it causes. But can I tell you something scary? I often wish something would happen. Die in a car crash on the way home tomorrow. Diagnosed with an untreatable cancer. Get out of here in a way people could at least accept. Not my fault. Not hurting people, but relieving them from financial burden and worry. And finally being free. Going Home.

That's so selfish of me. And lazy. And cowardly. But I still wish for it all the time. I pray almost every night not wake up in the morning.

Now you know. I'm broken. Messed up. Tired. But alive.

Maybe someday I'll learn why I need to stay here.

ps: as LaLuna said, this is not a suicide post. I'd never even think of that. This is just me zipping my soul open just a little bit wider for you guys to see. It's something I hope I will learn to overcome.

Some advice would be nice

How do you stop being seen as a little girl
And start being seen as a beautiful young woman?

How do you stop being seen as someone's little sister
And start being seen as someone who could potentially be asked on a date?

How do you stop being seen as just nice, just sweet, just there
And start being seen as so much more?

How do you stop being overlooked an ignored
And start being thought of and even perhaps... envied?

How do you get the love you deserve
when you already give away all the love you have?