LaLuna's post hit the spot. Everything I feel and more is here.
but here's my take.
Have you ever felt homesick? Not like summer camp is a drag I want to go home homesick but like I miss heaven homesick? I know I'm not alone so I don't need to feel this way. But I do. All the time.
I just want to go Home. Real home. I want to cradle into His arms and cry. I want to be done because this life has been SO HARD and I've only been on earth for 17 years. What happens when there's responsibility on top of the fact my body is determined to rebel against me in every way possible? I don't want to grow up and be in charge of things. I don't want to raise a child, afraid every day that I'm doing something wrong and that he'll end up like my oldest brother, a drug addict with no control over his life and no desire to change. Because my parents are amazing and he still ended up like that. I don't want to get a job or graduate. I don't even want to try to look in someone- anyone's- eyes tomorrow morning because I know they'll just look away, just like always.
I have dreams about dying in car accidents or in fires or from cancer that aren't nightmares. They're happy. Because I finally get to go Home. I could never commit suicide because I don't have the courage to, and I would never do that to my family, my friends. I know the hurt it causes. But can I tell you something scary? I often wish something would happen. Die in a car crash on the way home tomorrow. Diagnosed with an untreatable cancer. Get out of here in a way people could at least accept. Not my fault. Not hurting people, but relieving them from financial burden and worry. And finally being free. Going Home.
That's so selfish of me. And lazy. And cowardly. But I still wish for it all the time. I pray almost every night not wake up in the morning.
Now you know. I'm broken. Messed up. Tired. But alive.
Maybe someday I'll learn why I need to stay here.
ps: as LaLuna said, this is not a suicide post. I'd never even think of that. This is just me zipping my soul open just a little bit wider for you guys to see. It's something I hope I will learn to overcome.
but here's my take.
Have you ever felt homesick? Not like summer camp is a drag I want to go home homesick but like I miss heaven homesick? I know I'm not alone so I don't need to feel this way. But I do. All the time.
I just want to go Home. Real home. I want to cradle into His arms and cry. I want to be done because this life has been SO HARD and I've only been on earth for 17 years. What happens when there's responsibility on top of the fact my body is determined to rebel against me in every way possible? I don't want to grow up and be in charge of things. I don't want to raise a child, afraid every day that I'm doing something wrong and that he'll end up like my oldest brother, a drug addict with no control over his life and no desire to change. Because my parents are amazing and he still ended up like that. I don't want to get a job or graduate. I don't even want to try to look in someone- anyone's- eyes tomorrow morning because I know they'll just look away, just like always.
I have dreams about dying in car accidents or in fires or from cancer that aren't nightmares. They're happy. Because I finally get to go Home. I could never commit suicide because I don't have the courage to, and I would never do that to my family, my friends. I know the hurt it causes. But can I tell you something scary? I often wish something would happen. Die in a car crash on the way home tomorrow. Diagnosed with an untreatable cancer. Get out of here in a way people could at least accept. Not my fault. Not hurting people, but relieving them from financial burden and worry. And finally being free. Going Home.
That's so selfish of me. And lazy. And cowardly. But I still wish for it all the time. I pray almost every night not wake up in the morning.
Now you know. I'm broken. Messed up. Tired. But alive.
Maybe someday I'll learn why I need to stay here.
ps: as LaLuna said, this is not a suicide post. I'd never even think of that. This is just me zipping my soul open just a little bit wider for you guys to see. It's something I hope I will learn to overcome.
I know this homesick feeling well and relate to this post deeply. But trust me, you will learn why you need to stay.
ReplyDeletePhenomenally real writing
Someone finally put my thoughts into words. I have those dreams all the time, and yes they are happy ones. Most often car crashes or a disease. Or kidnapped. Something like that.
ReplyDeleteI just saw this. But you know you aren't alone! I do believe life will get better, not easier but better. Much love<3
ReplyDeleteI honestly can't wait to see who you are. I follow your blog religiously and want to meet you super bad.
ReplyDelete