Can't... shut out... the voices...

Was it love?

the nasty voice creeps into my head...

'dear, that was LUST. Not love.'

'Ew! I would never! No, I loved him! We can't have been 'in lust', and have him be on a mission now.'

'lust isn't just the desire to be intimate.'

'Well yeah, I know... but it wasn't his body or whatever either. it was him.'

'dear, sweet child. really think about it. was it him? or how you felt?'

'It's how he made me feel. It was real. It was love. Wasn't it?'

'did you talk to each other much? About important things?'

'Well, we talked...'

'what do you really know about him besides the feel of his hands - and lips - on yours?'

'That's not me. I'm not like that.'

'but tell me. what do you know about him?'

'I know his favorite color...'

'anything else?'

'I know he wants to be an engineer. I know what college he wants to go to. I know...'

'was it really love?'

'I... I think so....'

'does he know you at all?'

'He... he knows I love hiking...'

'ah, but does he know YOU?'

'Well... no... maybe... he knows some things about me...'

'does he know about your anxiety? your fears? your hopes?'

'Why are you doing this?'

'do you even know anyone in his family? did he even tell his family about you?'

'well he must have, if we spent so much time together...'

'face it. it was a CRUSH. it was LUST. you fell for him because he was the first one to care about you.'

'Well that's not true. others have liked me.... so I've been told....'

'you don't know anything. he held your hand and kissed you and it was new and exciting and fun... but he only did it so he could have someone to write him through his mission.'

'No! No, he'd never do that!!!

'you crushed on him for a year before he finally reciprocated his feelings... why else would he stage the netflix-esque first kiss scene two weeks before he left for the MTC?'

'you're confusing me...'

'yes, that's it... it was a summer fling. nothing more.'

'summer fling... nothing more... doesn't mean... anything....'

'and while you're at it, eat more vegetables and less of everything else.'

'no... no more food.'

'good girl. now go to bed without dinner. i love you'

'i hate you too.'